I was 13 or 14 years old, stood about 4’ 9”, with a 90-pound frame. Give me a break, I hit puberty late… I soon realized my friend alcohol and I had the perfect relationship. I’d drink alcohol, and alcohol would get me drunk. That is of course until the evening that we met our arch nemeses… Blackout & Hangover.
I guess it was a pretty normal night just like any other. My best friend (Brent) and I were going over our good friend Chad’s house to spend the night. The one thing that was different about this night was that we’d asked Brent’s older brother (Jason) to get us some beer. He came through and in a big way, an entire case (thanks Jason). I think up to this point in my life the three of us had only had a few drinks at any given time. This was the mother load, 8 beers apiece. We took them out of the box, removed our clean close for the following day and replaced them with the beer. We placed a layer of clothing on the bottom and top of the beer and zipped the bags up. We smuggled the beers, now hot, to Chad’s house. We carried them upstairs passed his parents and safely into his room. We were set.
I’m sure most of you remember when you started drinking beer; it tasted like shit… especially warm. We waited for Chad’s parents to go to bed and devised a plan to get a large bowl of ice into Chad’s room. We spent the rest of the evening rolling the beer cans in the bowls of ice getting them chilled (yes this really works) and then drinking them. Needless to say we were pretty shitfaced. Brent actually gave me his last beer, which totaled 9 beers for my tiny frame. I can get drunk on 9 beers now and I’m almost double the weight and have much more of a tolerance. We went downstairs and actually found an open bottle of wine that we drank. I’m sure if we had this on tape it would have looked like vampires feasting at this point. I remember us just chugging it and it spilling everywhere. Now we are totally FUBAR’d out of our fucking minds. Then someone had the ingenious idea to egg some houses in Chad’s neighborhood.
We got our eggs, snuck out of the house and walked down the driveway. We were so wasted by the time we hit the street we already dropped every last one of the eggs. Chad said fuck it, lets walk to Taco Bell and get some food. We walked down the greenbelt to FM 1960. For anyone that doesn’t know FM 1960 is a farm road in Houston, Tx. The only thing is it was a farm road like 40 years ago. By this point it might as well been a freeway, 4 lanes incoming, median/turning lane, and 3 lanes on the other side. Guess where Taco Bell was… yup, on the other side. Even in my intoxicated state, I realized at this point that frogger would have a better chance of getting across the road than I would. At this point I told Brent and Chad that I was going back to Chad’s house. They decided to continue on, so I staggered back to the house alone.
When I got back to Chad’s house I walked up the driveway to the back gate (they always used the backdoor instead of the front) and it was locked. Immediately his dog started barking and I knew we we’re going to get busted. I stepped away from the fence and sat down in the driveway against the garage and waited for Brent and Chad to come back. My relationship with alcohol had just made a turn for the worse… I began feeling ill and the last thing I remember is sitting in the driveway, puking on the hand that was bracing me from falling over.
The next thing I remember is being in Chad’s room and it was spinning like crazy. Like I said, I’d never had a hangover before, this was all new to me. I got up and went and violently puked in the bathroom. This continued for the rest of the night until I awoke the next morning to the sun beating on my face through the mini-blinds. I got up, still drunk and walked downstairs. Chad’s kitchen was to the left at the bottom of the stairs, when I reached the bottom there was a man cooking in the kitchen. “Excuse me, do I know you?” I didn’t think anything of this, they always had people over their house, so I shrugged it off and said “Yea, I’m Tim”. I turned around, walked back up stairs, and passed out again.
I awoke again, this time to the man shaking me.
Man: “EXCUSE ME, DO I KNOW YOU???”
Me: “Yea, I’m staying with Bill and Marty”, (Bill and Marty – Chad’s Parents)
Man: “UMM, THEY LIVE NEXT DOOR”
Me: “ … “
Man: What happened did you walk in the wrong house last night or something?
Ok, so here is the breakdown. I was sleeping in Chad’s neighbors house. Their house happened to have the exact layout as chads house, so it made sense that I could have walked in the wrong house… but seriously what are the chances, well without alcohol involved… I’d also like to point out that as I said earlier, I hit puberty late, so even though I was like 13 or 14 I probably looked 10 or 11. I’m assuming this is why the guy didn’t freak out more than he did.
Me: “ Yea I guess I did fall asleep in the wrong house… it was late and dark when I came in so I didn’t notice”
Man: “ Ok, well get your shoes on and I’ll let you out.
At this point we’re walking towards the stairs and his wife is standing there still in her nightgown.
Wife” “Oh My God, I’m just so glad our Rottweilers didn’t eat you.
At this point I realized I must have scaled the fence, got passed their two Rottweilers who must have known I was a fucked up harmless kid to let me pass and walked in these peoples back door they had left unlocked.
The guy and his wife escorted me to the door and said goodbye. I went to Chad’s house and banged on the back sliding glass door for what seemed like an eternity. Then I remembered that they had a spare key to the back door on one of the porches rafters. As I’m hanging on the rafter feeling for the key I notice a pool. Shit… I was at the wrong house again. Fortunately nobody came to the door. I walked over to the house on the other side of the person’s house I had slept in all night… that was actually Chads house.
I beat on his back sliding glass door and he came running. He was so glad to see me. He said when they got home and I wasn’t there they thought I had gotten kidnapped or hurt or something. He said they spent most of the night looking for me in dumpsters and all over the neighborhood. Brent was so upset he couldn’t deal with it and just passed out.
I don’t think chads parents ever knew I was gone. Well at least not until the neighbor came over and told Bill (chads dad) that I slept in their sons bed (who was spending the night at his friends house.. thank god). Bill confronted us about this and asked firmly, “Did you guys have anything to drink last night? Neighbor said Tim seemed a little buzzed” Before any of us could answer the question, divine intervention struck… “ I guess you guys couldn’t have, there was no booze in the house”. I guess Bill forgot about the wine in the fridge, and obviously didn’t know about the beers; which they later found empty with mushrooms growing in them behind chads bed. But I can’t believe they thought I was stupid enough to actually fall asleep in the wrong house… or maybe I can.
As I looked back on the evening and put it all together…. I got drunk, puked on my hand and blacked out. I then somehow scaled these peoples fence, got past their two Rottweilers, maneuvered through the unlocked backdoor, staggered up the stairs, slept in their sons bed… who was, Thank Baby Jesus, sleeping at his friends house (that could have turned out very weird), puked in their toilet all night, walked downstairs to find this poor clueless guy cooking… wondering who in the hell I am and why I just shrugged him off and walked back upstairs to pass out again… All this and I didnt even get in trouble.
I’m just thankful that nobody (me) got hurt and this experience just resulted in a really good party story. If I’ve learned anything from this experience… it’s that you should always make sure your fucking back door is locked.
-Timulator
[...] a little more backstory and info on Brent and Chad read ”I passed out in a strangers house… oops.” that should catch you up to [...]
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