This is the first of many posts about some of the crazy people i worked with and how we got ourselves into some crazy shit. Don’t befriend an alcoholic Arab guy running a store, especially if he has “test of bullet” and it’s his “Viskey” (whiskey) night… even if there’s free beer and snacks involved. Mama always said stay away from strangers with candy…
I’m not even sure where to start on this one… I must have been about 18 or 19 years old working at the Brookshire Brothers grocery store managing the stock crew. One of the guys I worked with KC comes up to Nefty and I and says, “Hey guys the store clerk at Charlie’s invited us over to drink with him tonight”. To be honest, I cant remember the guys name, so we’ll call him Apu. No I’m not being racist, I’m simply going off the Simpsons… give me a break. Apu was an interesting character, he was probably in his late thirties or early forties, he stood around six foot and had a somewhat squirlly disposition. The store, Charlie’s, was an old privately owned convenience store next to our shopping center. The image above is the actual store, thank you google street view.
So KC invites us to go drink with Apu… this is a no brainer, we weren’t old enough to buy booze yet so any opportunity we had to score some was a plus. It seems KC had developed a friendship with this guy, he even had a line of credit at the gas station, not sure what that was all about. Once we got off work around 11pm, KC, Nefty and I went to Charlie’s waiting for Apu to shut the store down at midnight. While we waited, Apu told us this was his Visky (whiskey) and strip club night but since we were hanging out with him he would forego the normal thursday night ritual. His drink of choice was Johnnie Walker Red… and from the looks of it, he’d been drinking all day. His last guestimation was three half pints or pints, I cant remember. He would repeatedly blurt out “Dis is my visky night!!! I been drinking Johnnie Walker Red all day”. His eyes were as red as any of the biggest winos i’ve ever seen in my life and he was getting belligerent. This is the point where most normal people with common sense would back up and take stock of the situation. Unfortunately I wasnt one of them… all I could think about was popping a top. As midnight arrived Apu staggered over to the door inserted his key and turned, forever locking this moment in time, not to mention locking us in with a fucking weirdo. Tonight was an evening Nefty, KC and I would never forget and one Apu will probably never remember.
Apu locked the door, turned around and said four of the most magical words I’ve ever heard… “Take whatever you want”. This was equivalent to a kid in a candy store only it was teenagers in a convenient store… with booze! We quickly grabbed some beers, chips and other snacks. Apu didnt want to be seen from the storefront so we sat in a small hallway behind the counter. It was a grimy little space in between the bathroom and storage closet, but who can complain… it was all you can drink free beer. We were shooting the shit and getting a buzz, by this time Apu was polishing off his 3rd or 4th bottle and got that squirrely look in his eye. He became very bitter and started telling us all about his trials and tribulations. This guy was off the deep end. Then he brings up “TEST OF BULLET”, “I HAVE TEST OF BULLET”… all this nonsense shit as his voice was getting louder and louder. Then he lifts up his pant leg knee high and shows us a scar and explains that he had been shot and it fractured his bone… he was a “MAN” because he had “TEST OF BULLET”. Then he starts going into this whole being a man dialog. “I AM MAN, LOOK” he shows us his scar again and then pulls about 3 grand in cash out of his pocket… At this point we’re all looking at one another ready to get the fuck out of here. Then Apu really outdoes himself… He proceeds to beat himself about the face extremely hard. I’m not bullshitting either, he was punching himself screaming “TEST OF BULLET, YOU SEE, YOU SEE, I AM MAN!!!” Apu hit himself so hard his lip was bleeding…
Shortly after his last outburst and now bleeding, we told Apu that it was time for us to leave. I think it was somewhere around 2 or 3 am at this point. Apparently Apu didnt send out the memo… because in his mind, nobody was leaving that night. He gets up and starts ranting at us that nobody is leaving until the sun comes up. At this point i’m thinking to myself, oh my god, we’re going to have to beat the shit out of this guy to get his keys off him. I could tell Nefty and KC we’re thinking the same thing. Hell he was so strong and such a man… maybe he would have helped us beat his own ass, after all he was already punching himself in the face. With some deliberation we finally managed to convince him to let us go. Apu inserted his key in the door once again, this time unlocking an experience that needed to be shared with the world… or whoever the hell reads this blog . With a test of bullet, bloodshot eyes, and a bloody lip we bid him farewell and went our separate ways…
Here’s to you Apu… wherever you may be! TEST OF BULLET MY GOOD FRIEND… TEST OF BULLET.
-Timulator
I have some pretty messed up stories from when I worked at a grocery store, too. The weirdest is the story of a guy named James, who worked on the “Smile Team.” The large grocery store I worked at was being renovated so, they hired people to walk around the store and tell customers where to find things. LOL, The Smile Team would walk around the aisles with a map of the store and a construction helmet with a smiley face sticker on it. The Smile Team Leader was a guy named James, who probably got this prestigious position only because he could speak fluent English. James wore about 30 necklaces around his neck and had several rings on each of his fingers. One day I asked him about his pinky ring that had a bright red gem stone. He informed me that he bought it online from England and that it’s previous owner was a vampire who died. [On a side note he didn't like it much when I told him that vampires can't die.] He told me that the ring gave him special powers at night. He honestly believed that it had miraculous powers. James said that he wore it out the previous night and was almost caught speeding on the interstate. The all powerful ring caused the police to stop the car behind him, giving James irrefutable proof of the rings’ vampiric powers. This gave him enough time to make his get away. James was no ordinary vampire ring enthusiast, though. He drove a red 80′s model Caddy which had hand made baby clown dolls strapped in the back seat. In the front passenger side there was a hand made life size clown doll buckled up. I thought it was a joke or something. Possibly he was going to some kind of strange party….Nope! He came to work everyday with the clowns in his car. One day I asked him about them and told me they had to be restrained in the car because they were possessed. James claimed that the adult clown would try to kill him and fuck with his car engine if he wasn’t strapped in tight. Needless to say after that I tried to avoid eye contact with him, in fear that I would end up as a skins suite or a lamp shade.
LOL Chris… that is pretty damn funny. Reminds me of a guy I went to high school with. He wasn’t your normal joe or normal odd charecter for that matter. According to a girl he dated, he would repeatedly punch himself in the face or holes in the wall during ejaculation. He never spoke much… but did have “Oxygen is the Enemy” written on his bag. I wouldnt be surprised if he had a red stoned ring. LOL “a vampire who died”
Hmm…that is pretty weird. I’ve never heard of anyone turning into to the incredible Hulk during sex.
I can only imagine the expression on a cops face if James ever does get pulled over with a car load of stuffed clowns…that would be priceless! lmfao
Haha! OMG these stories are too much!!!!!
Test of bullet, girl…
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I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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