I Heart Lesbian Midgets!

February 24th in 01 Timulators Stories n Thoughts

Several years ago I was awoken by a few swift kicks to the ribs… when I came too and opened my eyes there were 6 shadowy figures looming over me. Aside from the figures I could see nothing but a bright white light, It was almost as if I had died and gone to purgatory. Was I being judged by these shadowy figures, would I be going to heaven, hell maybe or would it just be an overnight stay in county…

Lets rewind for a minute…

The evening started out simple enough. It was a Friday night, myself and several friends were meeting up for drinks to blow off the weeks pressures. I’d just finished printing some shirts earlier in the week and decided to wear my freshly printed “I Heart Lesbian Midgets” shirt. I’m all for getting a reaction if you haven’t noticed.

Well into the evening

I was getting a great response from the shirt (especially from lesbians) and the drinks were flowing. Then someone started with the shots… It was basically the point of no return, time to say goodnight, adios, see you tomorrow… There was no going back now.

My girlfriends brother was hanging out with us that evening and we’ve been known to get in some skirmishes while intoxicated. I was in no condition to drive and neither was Mikey (girlfirend). Mikey’s brother was cool, so around 1am-ish we handed him the keys and sure enough we start butting heads. I dont even recall what for, probably something really stupid. This is the point when the shots really got to me, my conscious and common sense started erasing one another…

On the way home, right at the height of our argument, Mikey’s brother makes a wrong turn on Kirby and enters River Oaks. For anyone that is not from Houston, Tx, River Oaks is the most prestigious neighborhood in the city. It’s in the middle of town and some of these houses sit on 5, 6, 7, 8 lots. It’s where a lot of old money, wealthy business people, doctors, surgeons, lawyers… (you get the idea) live. So about this time, Mikeys Brother turns into the River Oaks subdivision and I decide to bail, literally. Not sure what I was thinking, but when he slowed at the stop sign I got out of the car and bolted. I guess I couldn’t take the arguing anymore and would rather walk home. We only lived about 6 or 7 miles from here. Like I said, my conscious and common sense were erasing one another at this point.

What transpired next is a very hazy

I’m not sure if I dreamed this or if it actually happened… but I remember walking up on a house party in a River Oaks backyard. I remember having a drink and mingling with people at this huge mansion. Fade out.

The next thing I know

I’m being awoken by a few swift kicks to the ribs, which is not the first time… oddly enough… When I came to and opened my eyes there were 6 shadowy figures looming over me shining a bright white light in my face.

Unknown voice: “Get the fuck up”

Me: “what?”

Unknown voice: “Police, get the fuck up”

One of them yanked me up, I’m still totally shitfaced but you can bet your ass I caught some snap.

Police: Man, you’re drunk aren’t you, you fucking punk.

Me: (I can hear myself slurring) I’m not drunk, I’m totally shitfaced man.

Police: “What the fuck do you think your doing? You cant sleep on the front lawn of a multi-million dollar home”

Me: “Whatever, I’m going to be a multi-millionaire one day and i’ll buy this house (still slurring)”

I now realize, as i’m brushing the grass of my shirt, that I’m standing in front of 6 cops in a shirt that says “I Heart Lesbian Midgets”, slurring and telling them that I’m not worried about sleeping in front of this house because I’m going to own it some day.

This might all sound like a bunch of bullshit, but I guarantee you this is actual fact. When they stood me up I already knew I was going to jail, so I wasn’t going to let them talk shit to me… at least thats what I thought in my drunken frame of mind.

At this point they are bitching at and man handling me. 5 of the 6 of them are 40-50+ years old and one of them was probably in his early 30′s. The early 30′s guy was being a real hard ass in front of the other cops, giving me a lot of shit. He kept calling me a “fucking punk” and asking “who the fuck I thought I was”… They asked for my license and escorted me to the curb where i sat while they ran my info.

Did I mention I’m Irish?

I’m sitting there waiting to be taken to jail and I see the cops standing in a circle deliberating about 20 feet from me. The young cop walks over and yanks me up. “Get in the back!” Now I’m thinking to myself… FUCK, guess I am going in. The cop places me in the back of the car and walks over to the cops for some further deliberation.

After several minutes he gets in the car, starts it and begins driving. He says to me…

“Where do you live?”

I feel puzzeled, he turns around and gives me a shit eating grin; “I’m taking you home”.

I couldnt believe it. All the sudden this guy is cool as shit. Guess he was just putting on a show for his older cop buddies.

Cop: “Man, you’re really fucked up… where did you guys go tonight? Bet you had a blast huh?”

We bullshitted the whole way home. When he dropped me off he asked if I wanted him to wait around to make sure i got in ok. I told him no need and bid him farewell.

Seriously

I mean… really, who does this happen to, and then gets off the hook? It happens to me, and quite frequently over the course of my short life. I know a cat only has nine lives, and the luck of the Irish has it’s limits… but I’ve been EXTREMELY fortunate to this point in my life. My mother just shakes her head and says “I dont know how you do it, but you always come out smelling like roses”

I’d like to give a big thanks to the cop/personal shuttle driver for taking me home, I owe you one man.

If anyone reading this lives in River Oaks and had a guy in a “I Heart Lesbian Midgets” shirt crash their party, hit me up… I’m down for entertaining anytime.

As my Indian friend Venki would say with his accent: “Peace out my bitches”,
-Timulator

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