I dont even recall how it started off

If i’m not mistaken we’d scored some beers from somewhere and were pounding them back in Brents room. Brent, Chad and Myself were all very good friends growing up. At this point in time we were about 14 or 15 and this was probably my 3rd time to get drunk (I think).

Brents parents went out to do something and would not be back until late. Our next stop was the household bar and a assortment of beverages in the fridge. I have no earthly idea how we thought we would get away with this, and to some degree we did until we didnt. I’ll get to that later.

I remember us sampling a little bit of everything from Baily’s, red wine, vodka, Jack Daniel’s, Neon Green Jack Daniel’s Wine coolers, rum, Goldschlager, and several other random bottles. One bottle in particular still haunts me. I’m not sure what it was but it tasted of black liquorice and was crusty when you removed the cap. We sampled everything one at a time, there was little concept of what a mixed drink was. That doesn’t mean we didn’t try mixing things. Chad had the bright idea of mixing red wine (which we called purple wine back then) and vodka. Eurika! Chad had just invented his first mixed drink, “Its called the PURPLE JESUS” he slurred! Who the hell knows why I decided to drink several of these in addition to multiple liquorice swigs… I seriously just got a lump in my throat. Not to mention Brent took some sickening amount of Tequila shots that night. I cant recall the number but I seriously want to say like 13, I’ll try and verify this. Remember… we were like 14 years old, thank god we didn’t get alcohol poisoning.

It seemed like we drank all night but I’m sure it wasnt much time at all… Brent’s parents still weren’t home and I guess it seemed like a good idea to go wander the neighborhood. At this point I remember falling down, someone was rolling in an ant bed and my dads bike (he let me borrow) was being operated under the influence.    —-DARKNESS—-

When I opened my eyes

I was on Brent’s living room couch, the TV was blaring and Chad was still sleeping. Chad was sitting upright in the love seat and he’d thrown up all over himself and o the couch. To this day I don’t know if we’d been busted to this point. For all I know his parents could have come home shitfaced and didn’t realize… who knows. I woke up chad and he cleaned up the puke on the couch and wiped off as much of the puke as he could from his shirt. Let me tell you… that shit stunk, it smelt of Bailey’s Irish Cream and vomit. By this time, my hangover was working overtime, and then it got worse. I notice the rim on my dad’s bike was bent and not just bent, but fucked bent… I almost had a heart attack right there.

We found Brent in his bedroom and woke him up. The three of us sat there and tried to piece the rest of the night together. Just about that time Brent’s dad (Jim) walks in and asks us if we would like to help his grandmother move, he’d pay us 100 bucks each. That was a no brainer, so we all agreed immediately. Brent’s grandmother lived about an hour and a half or two away from us and to this point i’d never been in a car hungover before…

Hangovers, vomit drenched shirts and motion sickness dont mix… period

Neither do vodka and “purple wine” for that matter… I digress

Brent’s sister Robin (aka Robil), Chad, Brent and myself loaded up in Jim’s Lexus. Robin was sitting in the front and the three of us were in the back with Chad in the middle. Jim’s Lexus was nice, fully automatic, leather, speaker phone system… the works. As we were driving the smell of Chads vomit/puke saturated shirt in combination with the motion sickness I was now experiencing was becoming too much to handle. Jim was on his intercom phone talking away when it hit me.

I felt the vomit rising in my stomach to my throat. I tried to put the windows down, but he had them locked. I yelled out “STOP, PUT THE WINDOW DOWN, PLEASE STOP” I guess he didnt hear me because I got no response, then I popped. I put my hand over my mouth and vomited. I was able to hold the first round in for a few seconds, but that only induced a much stronger gag reflex that sent the second round of vomit up my throat at warp speeds. I held my mouth closed as hard as I could but the force was too much, it spewed out between my fingers and showered the whole left side of the car, including the back of Jim’s head.

Jim locked up the breaks, started swearing in Italian, and told me to get the hell out. I can still remember him screaming lol… MamaMia Idiea Ade Odde… I got out of the car on the side of the road and continued puking up everything i drank the night before. Remember that Neon Green Jack Daniel’s Wine Cooler I mentioned? Every last drop of my puke was that radioactive green. From this point on, I really don’t even remember getting back in the car, or what happened until we got to brents grandmothers… which was just more of me puking.

The following day we went to an Oilers game (when they were still in Houston) and I recall Brents parents saying, “Wow Tim what a miraculous recovery you’ve made in 1 day” very sarcastically. I guess they figured I suffered enough, and for that I want to thank you, Jim and Cynthia… my dad would have killed me.

To this day, I still have people call me Purple Jesus… but you guys can just call me El Timulator.

-T

For a little more backstory and info on Brent and Chad read ”I passed out in a strangers house… oops.” that should catch you up to speed.

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